I’m 54 and feel lost.
I thought that I’d figured out how to move forward but I haven’t – must have been kidding myself!
I thought I’d be able to write again if I just let go for a while.
Life feels overwhelming with all the expectations of me as one single human being and I’m failing miserably.
My mother sucks the life out of me and that’s not her fault at all, it’s mine. What else do you do when you feel so abandoned and alone?
You need people to feel connected and worthy and it doesn’t really matter where you’ve been before, it matters now.
My big brother is not well and even though he really wants to help me, he doesn’t want to help his mother! And, the other brother, well, he lives in some kind of delusional reality most of the time.
But that’s okay because he’s too far away to do anything as he’s told me many times, so he’s off the hook.
I won’t complain though.. it just causes upset and arguments so best keep quiet and get on with it!
Sorry if I offend… in fact! I’m not sorry at all, I’m beyond exhausted mentally and physically and my needs, will always be at the bottom of the pile – I really do get that now because that’s just the way it is!
It’s my problem and not theirs-it’s always been my problem, and not theirs, even down to managing a life-or-death situation! It was my problem, I dealt with it at thirteen and I’ve been dealing with ‘it’ ever since!
Oh boy… I must really have massive lessons to learn this time round and as God is my witness, I’m certainly learning them-the incredibly hard way.
My mind and body are both heading for illness… I can feel it and seem unable to stop it-maybe I don’t want to stop it! Maybe, just maybe, if I completely crash and burn good and proper… then someone will notice and then, I can have a rest-let’s just hope it’s not long term.
Or maybe they do notice but are unable to change it… there you go… that’s the real me, the nice, understanding, caring person that I am! The one that understands both sides and don’t I always understand both sides?
Aren’t I trained to understand all sides, even the shitiest of sides? I get it… I just don’t want to get it anymore.
I don’t want to be the ‘go to person’, the one that ‘figures it all out’! The ‘kind one’ the one that will always have a ‘place in Heaven’- I don’t want that, anymore!
Gosh! I even had to put a post on Facebook last week, desperate for help to take my mother to a hospital appointment on the mainland because I had work commitments! A dear friend came forward, messaging me privately.
‘I knew you must be desperate Mich, to post on Facebook’!
Desperate measures felt embarrassing, but I guess that doesn’t matter really, after all, it’s only me that will feel embarrassed and no one else!
So, I’ve dug a hole… and now I’m in it and truth be known, it was only a matter of time.
My insane need to rescue people has created an insane kind of life.
I feel a little insane right now!
It’s difficult, overwhelming, suffocating.
My body is so overweight, and it hurts-my joints are inflamed. I wake up through the night, my head infused with pain and that’s down to me not looking after myself! Yes I take full and unequivocal responsibility for that.
That’s all on me…
I don’t really want to see anyone or even answer the phone right now-my son gets so frustrated with my recurrent loud sigh every time the phone rings.
‘You need to change that ring tone Mum… it creates so much stress for you!’
So yes I’m showing up for me here and now and taking a leap into the vulnerability pool.
I feel like I’m drowning in life and desperately searching for the life raft and yes it hurts!
I hope I’m brave enough to find my way back up again and I hope I can write my way through it…
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The boy in the chip shop 